There once lived a douchebag. He was not very bright. But he wasn't a bad sort of douchebag; he said his prayers, was kind to others and above all, took very good care of his. . .bag. Together, they led a humble, yet satiating life. This is an account of the downfall of the DB.
One day while DB was trotting back from school, tie dangling like a pendulum, schoolbag trudging along in the dirt, he came across a billboard: Buy the Blackberry 9700 Bold 2 and experience a whole new world! Now our DB was one who was easily influenced. Giving in to consumerism, he didn't think twice before parting with all of his savings. The DB got a BB.
And a whole new world is just what he experienced. Now that he spent all his time on his BB, he soon lost interest in his trusty old bag, and was reduced to a bagless douche: a Doucheberry. He would spend day and night on BBM, chatting up girls and boys alike, loving every minute of it. One would think this was a 'Happily Ever After' tale. It would have been, had it not been for a tomato red bag, lying forgotten in a corner, drowning deeper and deeper into a dark abyss of mental trauma.
Mr Bag, who once worshipped the ground beneath his douch-master's feet, overcome by feelings of alienation sought for comfort elsewhere. He had not seen his family since the day he was adopted by DB, so he prepared himself to search for his father. He embarked upon a tumultous journey to... BagDad, equipped with only a few meagre rations and inexorable determination. He travelled through hail and storm and finally arrived at his destination. Exhausted yet happy, he took slumber under a shady tree and decided to begin his search after a good night's sleep.
When he regained consciousness, he found himself looking into the loving, drugged eyes of - could it be?- yes it was his father. There was not the slightest doubt. They were both the same crimson red with identical drooping zippy-mouths. Mr Bag found a whole new zest for life, and along with his father became a junkie bag. He spent a good 3 months snorting coke and sleeping with baggirls.
Meanwhile, Doucheberry discovered that his new BB was not equipped to carry his essentials. The virtual world was rendering him fat and grumpy. He craved to smoke a cigarette in the wilderness, amongst the many woodland critters under the vast clear skies. But he had no way to carry them! In a moment of desperation, he flung himself into the dust-filled corner to grab onto Mr Bag. But alas! He was nowhere to be found. Unable to control himself any longer, Doucheberry sunk into the dusty corner and wept. "What a silly douchebag I have been," he cried. "I had everything, EVERYTHING and yet I threw it away." He vowed that he would get MR Bag back and bestow upon him the love and respect he always deserved.
He set out on foot, following the thready trail Mr Bag had left behind. When he reached BagDad, the scene in front of him shocked him. His beloved Mr Bag was stumbling around in a hallucinatory state, unable to recognize anyone.. not even his old Douchey. Doucheberry nursed him back to health. He was at Mr Bag's side 24/7. Soon Mr Bag was as good as a new Bottega Veneta.
They went back home, smoking all the way, hand in hand. So Doucheberry once again became his former self- the lovable Douchebag and to mark their reconciliation, that weekend, along with his friend, Superwoman, baked a lovely BB pie. <3
(Which she gobbled up before they could even get a bite. But then she's Superwoman, and can get away with anything. Up, up and away).
Discalimer: The characters in the story are fictional. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely co-incdental. (not)
One day while DB was trotting back from school, tie dangling like a pendulum, schoolbag trudging along in the dirt, he came across a billboard: Buy the Blackberry 9700 Bold 2 and experience a whole new world! Now our DB was one who was easily influenced. Giving in to consumerism, he didn't think twice before parting with all of his savings. The DB got a BB.
And a whole new world is just what he experienced. Now that he spent all his time on his BB, he soon lost interest in his trusty old bag, and was reduced to a bagless douche: a Doucheberry. He would spend day and night on BBM, chatting up girls and boys alike, loving every minute of it. One would think this was a 'Happily Ever After' tale. It would have been, had it not been for a tomato red bag, lying forgotten in a corner, drowning deeper and deeper into a dark abyss of mental trauma.
Mr Bag, who once worshipped the ground beneath his douch-master's feet, overcome by feelings of alienation sought for comfort elsewhere. He had not seen his family since the day he was adopted by DB, so he prepared himself to search for his father. He embarked upon a tumultous journey to... BagDad, equipped with only a few meagre rations and inexorable determination. He travelled through hail and storm and finally arrived at his destination. Exhausted yet happy, he took slumber under a shady tree and decided to begin his search after a good night's sleep.
When he regained consciousness, he found himself looking into the loving, drugged eyes of - could it be?- yes it was his father. There was not the slightest doubt. They were both the same crimson red with identical drooping zippy-mouths. Mr Bag found a whole new zest for life, and along with his father became a junkie bag. He spent a good 3 months snorting coke and sleeping with baggirls.
Meanwhile, Doucheberry discovered that his new BB was not equipped to carry his essentials. The virtual world was rendering him fat and grumpy. He craved to smoke a cigarette in the wilderness, amongst the many woodland critters under the vast clear skies. But he had no way to carry them! In a moment of desperation, he flung himself into the dust-filled corner to grab onto Mr Bag. But alas! He was nowhere to be found. Unable to control himself any longer, Doucheberry sunk into the dusty corner and wept. "What a silly douchebag I have been," he cried. "I had everything, EVERYTHING and yet I threw it away." He vowed that he would get MR Bag back and bestow upon him the love and respect he always deserved.
He set out on foot, following the thready trail Mr Bag had left behind. When he reached BagDad, the scene in front of him shocked him. His beloved Mr Bag was stumbling around in a hallucinatory state, unable to recognize anyone.. not even his old Douchey. Doucheberry nursed him back to health. He was at Mr Bag's side 24/7. Soon Mr Bag was as good as a new Bottega Veneta.
They went back home, smoking all the way, hand in hand. So Doucheberry once again became his former self- the lovable Douchebag and to mark their reconciliation, that weekend, along with his friend, Superwoman, baked a lovely BB pie. <3
(Which she gobbled up before they could even get a bite. But then she's Superwoman, and can get away with anything. Up, up and away).
Discalimer: The characters in the story are fictional. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely co-incdental. (not)
